27th Meadow, 802

What is it that keeps me from finding a centre of balance? My life, always unsure, painful and lonely, seems more out of control now than ever. How can this be so, when I finally have friends, comrades more like family, really, and a love I never imagined?

When I said back in Freeport that I had so very much to lose, I think I was only beginning to see what that meant. Now, the truth of the matter dawns on me, that being alone may be preferable to putting those that one loves so much, too much, maybe, in danger...

Blackhawk and I set off before dawn this morning, searching for Lia and Raven. We found ourselves under attack by a manticore. I had come to the conclusion that our search for Lia was futile, for it suddenly had occurred to me that she might not wish to be found, and had sat down in abject despair when the creature attacked. I was close to dead by the end of the battle, and if Raven had not arrived and called a lightning bolt from the sky to dispose of the beast, I feel certain I would have been. The fact that I live brings me little joy this evening, for I have found my love, kneeling in the chapel at the foot of the wind shrine, and she is fairer than I remember, but out of my reach. It appears that her family requires a strict social code and a great deal of property from whomever would seek her hand, and I have already breached the social code, and it may be some time before I have the kind of wealth it would require for Lia's relatives to view me as a good prospective suitor.

Had I but known... She told me not to contact her, but my impatience got the best of me. My father always said it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. What made me remember that? And why would I listen to anything that foul man had to say anyway? I fear that I have ruined what love had grown between us, as she is angry and sad and will likely be shipped off to live with her brothers. I had no idea that her father had been an adventurer. I understand how her mother would see me as a threat to her daughter's happiness. Look how unhappy I have made her already.

I am now wondering what I will do. The company might be better off without me. Maybe I should compleat my visit to the shrine and then tell the Winged Foxes that I wish to be removed from the company. I would, of course, fulfill my promises with regard to those who helped us on our way to Bliss, but perhaps if I were on my own, I could find some less painful path, one where I am only a danger to myself. I will think on this. I saw the accusation in Stephen's eyes, Raven reproached me, and while Blackhawk may have had his own agenda, he risked his life to save me this morning. Jotork, wise as ever, keeps his own counsel, but only he seems not to judge me. I am grateful for that, but I feel embarassed by my hysteria regarding Lia, and my reckless endangerment of the party. They would probably have been better off if the manticore had killed me.

I asked Lia what she wanted from me, hoping that she would give me some sign of her forgiveness, or at least some understanding, but so far, she has given me no sign that she even heard me.