Post Thieves Island fight - before leaving for the next island

There are also a few personal notes that I am compelled to write down.

The first is one thing that really bothered me that I didn't list in the official company journal as it doesn't have real relevance on the entire company. But, it disturbs me plenty.

Once again, I did not enjoy the quietude of sleep or meditation. Instead, more nasty experiences from throughout my life. What does it mean? Why am I compelled to re-experience those things? I freely admit that they helped define me and shaped who I am. But, I thought I had made my own peace with them. Perhaps that is the problem. Is there unresolved conflict? Did I instead shutter them away and ignore them? Is this a part of my brain screaming at me to deal with these things? Is it just the foreigness that is inadvertently bringing these things to the forefront?

I do not know. And I find that to be disturbing in itself. I think I am becoming more irritable and uncomfortable. What should be an intriguing sojourn in a different body has turned out to be almost a disappointment. I expected to feel different and somehow more aware. But, it is pretty much the same. Sure, Jotork is in wonderful physical condition. Perhaps I could have excercised a bit more growing up. I always relied on speed and a toughness that I seemed to posses to carry me through. But, it seems that Jotork is even quicker than I and far stronger. But, back to the point, I don't feel that much different besides all that. Our sight seems to be about the same and I do not feel a mystical coursing of Elder Blood through my veins. I'm not sure what I imagined, but it wasn't really this.

That is a mystery that I must sort out. Do I feel somehow inadequate for being a half-blood? Do I have deep rooted insecurities that I have always covered with the rest of my Ardanian facade? Perhaps, I am really not that different from Jotork. Maybe the only real differences between everything is what is inside. While the outer shell helps define experiences, only the inner you counts for what you do with them.

It bears some thought and reflection.

The other thing that bothers me is Raven's distantness. I use her real name because it is her soul and personality that I am referring to. Assuredly, her life experiences are far different than any I have. I seem unable to learn more of her and know her better. Perhaps it is my mood, but her unwillingness to allow us to help her find her companion were distressing. My cousins in the Company are the closest thing I have ever had to friends in my life. Sure, I have known many people. And I get along with others easily. But true friendship has always been something I have avoided. Now, I find my concerns focusing on my friends. The things that hurt and distress them do the same to me. Even our new friend Jotork has quickly grown to be someone that I consider a friend. Already, I consider him as much a part of our Company as any other. Still, old habits die hard and I do not show it easily.

Yet, Raven could not find her companion and she would not allow us to help her look. She made it a point to indicate that she did not need our help. If I somehow conveyed such to her, that was not my intent. I do not know if I have somehow offended her or if she does not understand my concern. Given my past reluctance to communicate thoroughly, I will strive to do this better and make it clear in the future.