Blossom 29

Our conversation with Fara was informative, though unsettling. I had meant to celebrate the evening since we were now in our proper bodies. All due to her efforts! Alas, the celebration turned bitter very rapidly. Fara had more news on this bounty. It seemed that a group wearing pilgrims robes had come into town and were offeriing a 10,000 gp bounty for an elf with numerous tattoos. He was reputed to be murderous and dangerous. While I would not contest the second appellation in respect to Jotork, the first is clearly false. It appears that the Blackcloaks have realized their error!

We initially tried to downplay the importance of this, but to no avail. Soon, we were discussing various options on how to deal with them. The thing that bothered me the most was my immediate inclination to confront and kill them. What is it about me that has changed so much that this would be my first thought? I'm not entirely sure I like the change. Admittedly, if these are the Blackcloaks, they are likely to be dangerous. And, given their past behavior, are likely to slay us if they can. so, these are dangerous foes and we may have precious little chance of reasoning with them. Still, something in me has changed. Mainly because of them. I will reconcile myself with my feeings of conflict for now. But, this is yet another grudge I bear against them.

During our dinner conversation, one of the issues that had been bothering many of the afternoon was finally brought back up. Blackhawk finally had to confront Raven about their disagreeent. I give him credit for trying to clear the air, but his method of bringing it up was, as usual, brusque. At least he is being honest about his feelings though.

Raven was quietly shocked, for he called her narrow minded. I took the opportunity to step in and share my thoughts, hopefully putting the situation into a context that would alleviate the insult. I'm not sure it worke,dbut hopefully, we can all work it out. I pointed out that their perspectives seem to be very different from each other. I also tried to give both an outside viewpoint of how their behaviors can be misconstrued. I sincerely hope that neither was offended as that wasn't my intention. I don't think they are upset at me. But, we shall see.

On the positive side, Blackhawk gave us more insight into his family history. It seems that Cousin Blackhawk is not eagerly awaited at home either. It seems that Jaden, Blackhawk and I are all pretty much estranged from our families. Raven is still pretty quite about details on her Ardanian experiences, but the hints she has dropped do not bespeak of a happy time there as well. So, to the Blackcloaks, we must have appeared to be unwanted dregs of the Fox family. A family they do not get along with well anyway! Following in Uncle Max's shadow. I can understand why they might despise us. But I am still unsure what quirk of destiny set us upon this road. Many people speak of seeing greatness in our future. I confess that it sounds promising, but right now, I would settle for making it to Bliss so that everyone can be warned.

After Blackhawks revelations, I beseeched Raven to provide spiritual guidance and enlightenment. It was then that she rebuffed me. Her beliefs are personal to her clan and not to be undertaken lightly. Though this was painful on some level, Imust admit that she is correct. Am I really ready to undertake spiritual study? I have always been a chaotic student. Brushing one subject and then another. In some ways, flitting as if I were a butterfly sampling the nectar from several flowers. But rarely have I undertaken long term, serious study. I tried to explain that I understood that her path is serious. As I tried to relate that I have many things I must learn now, I felt a sudden melancholy come over me. I excused myself and sat down to ponder and contemplate. What is it that I hope to accomplish? What do I want to do with my life?

I have been given responsibilities that cannot be undertaken lightly. I have sworn to improve the lot of several groups of people. I have promised myself that I will undertake certain journeys later. I have been told that we may swing the balance of power in wars to come. And, I have been told that I hold the key to unleashing war upon this world. Especially in light of that last, how can I remain happy and frolicsome? Additionally, I have watched a transformation within myself occur. One where violence seems a good first option. It all came crashing down on me at the same time. I tried to review my journals and my notes to put these things into a positive perspective and found that I was still gloomy. Finally, I identified more underlying concerns. If I am to choose the next ard Righ, how am I to make a good choice? What flaws and quirks about previous Ard Righ have doomed them to failure? It is a serious responsibility and I do not intend to make a mistake. At least, I hope to avoid doing so. Another concern is Jotork's initial bias toward Jaden's and mine heritage is troubling. Through the ages, have there been other half-bloods that were persecuted and alienated? I can understand Jotork's reasons for bias. Yet, I am curious about the historical state of Half-Elves. As well as what can I expect in the times to come. For all I know, the fates play a cruel trick and I am cursed with a short life. It was then that the thought occured to me to go to the libraries. Surely, within all of those tomes, I could begin to seek some of the answers to my questions. Besides, the quiet atmosphere has always been a comforting refuge. Most people do not seek a bard in a library.

While leaving, Jaden felt compelled to try cheering me. It was a wonderful attempt and I am joyed by the fact that he even tried. Still, how can I easily explain that I have always been prone to rare occurances of gloominess? Such times are for introspection and growth. Raven too was worried about me. She followed me to the hall and apologized if she had somehow offended me. It was then that I also had to admit that I was saddened by her words. Not because she rebuffed me and would not endeavor to teach me her spiritual path! Rather, it was the self-evident fact that her path would be difficult for me to follow. So it seems that my personality and lack of focus make it difficult for me to further know her. At least, for the time. There is always hope that in the future things will be less hectic and I will learn to be patient. Perhaps then I can learn more of her beliefs and grow in that direction. She said many nice things to me and it is nice to be complimented. She even called me honorable. I felt obligated to contradict her on that account. Why must I be like that? On one hand, I wish to know her better and on the other, I push her away. Perhaps that is why I have had so few close friends through the years. Another old habit and trait that I should learn to drop if I want to have friends.

While my friends may be concerned for my welfare, I know that these times are important for me to experience and sort out. It will make me stronger and more resolute. Possibly it is the subconscious proddings of paths and directions that I should further investigate. My time in the library was useful to me. I am sitting here penning the last of my notes for the evening. I think I managed to make it in without waking Raven, but DeVal twitched his ears as I entered. I am feeling better, but I am haunted by Jaden's smiling face. While I am happy for Jaden, I look at him sitting there with Lia and something tugs at me. What? I am not sure. Perhaps it is concern over his welfare. We are still on a dangerous journey and tragedy could befall his love. Perhaps it is something else. But, that is enough for this night. I still have some practicing to do and I think I shall try the harp.