Meadow 1

My first entry in the new year. At least, by the calendar of the Western Kingdom. I am well rested and ready to leave in the morning. I can hear Blackhawk's nervousness in the room he and Jotork share. I too am awake, so it is not proper for me to chastise him. Besides, we all revert to habit at times. Why else am I up penning my thoughts at an hour that most would think ludicrous?

The Beltane celebration was one that has had a deep impact upon me. In some regards, it seems no more than a dream. Yet, I can pull out my Uli flower and gaze at it's amazing beauty and I know that something truly did happen. As for meaning, I am not sure.

Lia brought us to a reasonably safe beach for the Beltane celebration. We had to traverse many of the pathways on this island to arrive there. What a beach! It was nearly 100 feet about the ocean. Cliffs on all sides. No wonder it is not frequented by animals in this lovely but dangerous place. In the past, I had rarely paid any heed to the Beltane ceremony. Oftentimes, at the Guild, I was already deep into revelry by then. Irresponsible and silly I suppose. No wonder I do not have the same spiritual grounding that others have. Yet, Raven tells me that I walk the Spirit Path. Even if I do not recognize it as such. After last night, I must do more to assure that I do, indeed, stride this path.

I paid close attention to Raven's words of welcome to the Lord and the Lady. I listened carefully and followed her directions. After passing between the fires we had started, she muttered something over me. I asked later what she said, but she refused to share it with me. Rebuked by her again! Yet, I bear her no grudge. She said that her words were for herself and the gods. And, so it shall be. I confess that something felt "right" about the beginning of the celebration. I felt an internal calm and power that I cannot easily explain. It was a pleasant change. I was sitting there watching the fires and contemplating . . . everything. Lia and Jaden decided to make love between the fires. I smiled at his youthful exuberance and delight to be with Lia. It is odd to see Jaden like this, but I find the change to be good. I was pondering the type of music I would play for this evening. I was lost in my reverie when more celebrants started appearing through the pathway. I sat there bemused, watching them pile onto the beach. I was wondering where this might lead for the evening when a beautiful red-haired Elf maid came tumbling through the pathway. As she stood up, my heart felt as if it were beating to a much slower rhythm and I found it difficult to breathe. Memories cascaded over me and a flood of emotions found a logjam in my throat. 28 years of loss focused itself on this one moment of time and I was completely speechless. Standing there in front of me, I saw my mother.

Slowly time returned to normal speed. I managed to stop gawking and the tears did not quite roll down my cheeks. Though I quickly saw that I was mistaken, the emotional impact had already struck and my mind was at work. The Elf maid strikes a very strong resemblance to my mother. And though she died more than 28 years ago, I clearly remember her lovely face. Admittedly, my memories are those of a 3 year old. It was this innocent child, buried within, that rose to want my mother to be here, on this night with me. And it was with 28 years of cynicism and duplicity that I was able to crush down this innocent dream so easily. I could see the differences once I stepped back, emotionally detached, and watched her. And though the irrational urge to be angry also rose, I crushed that down with the same detachment. Why should I be angry at this beautiful, young Elf? Instead, I should revel in the memories that she brought back to me so easily.

And thus, on the wonderful night of Beltane, I found myself deep in introspective thought. As I am often prone to do, I played to hide my demeanor. It is easy to do. Most people assume that anyone playing a happy tune is happy. And I was happy. Once I got over the shock and could begin to be honest with myself. I can see now that I deluded myself by thinking that my mother and my father were truly in love. He may have cared for her to some degree, but if he truly loved her, he wouldn't have allowed Lady Gilda to treat her so shamefully. And I can now see that there is a sadness that I dwell upon due to her death. It is subtle, insidious. But, it explains much. And I cannot regret it. But, I must accept it, acknowledge it, and change it if I desire.

On some level, I felt betrayed by my mothers death. Not by her. I could sense her overall sadness. There were only two things that really brought her joy. The songs that she sang and me. She did everything she could to shelter me from her pain and loss. Knowing what I do now, many things are explained. To be ripped from your family and home and sent to a strange, hostile land would sap the life from many things. I think it was only because of me that she lasted as long as she did. But, with her death, I understood, in the way that a mere child can, that others could not be trusted. That I must not become close to anyone else. Otherwise, I might feel the same emptiness and loss as when my mother died. One of the veils was ripped from my vision. This is why I push people away so often. I fear that they will die and I will feel pain again.

After some time, I realized that Raven had disappeared. Blackhawk and Jotork were not involved in the festivities and Jaden and Lia had just disappeared somewhere as well. I encouraged Blackhawk to join the party, but as for myself, I felt saddened. Jaden and Lia returned shortly thereafter and Jaden entreated me to play a romantic song from our youth. Even as I declined, I was watching he and Lia. Once again, I felt an internal tug. My eyes wandered over the revelers and I spied the Elven maid. My thoughts fell into place, and with honest insight came revelation. I have done so effective a job at pushing others away that I have avoided love. That is what has been bothering me about Jaden. He has allowed himself to love another and I have steadfastly avoided such. Once again, the inadvertant legacy from my mother. To be sure, I have ever been active with women. But, I have rarely allowed myself to linger long and become close to a woman. I often find myself attracted to women that are strong and dangerous. And, another musician always finds my attention rapidly. But, I do not allow myself to fall in love. Surely, that is the most dangerous way to feel loss and pain. Yet, isn't it also a sure way to feel joy and excitement? I don't know. But looking at Jaden, I am inclined to believe so. Oh, I am sure my mother would despair to see how her son turned out right now. The question is, am I incapable of feeling love? I think not. But I have been unwilling to show it for fear of rejection. Or worse, acceptance, and the attendant risks involved. There are stirrings in my heart that if I paid heed to, might lead to love. Only time will tell.

Two revelations that stirred my mind. All because a lovely Elf shared a beach with me. I watched her dance around the fires. Enjoying the music. Almost without thinking, I had begun playing again. And this lovely creature was dancing to the tune. Certainly, there were other musicians there. But I could tell that her steps were falling in time to my beat. Probably without even thinking about it. My mother left me the gift of music. Here was another, looking so much like her, enjoying that gift. As I watched, I understood that this maid represents all that my mother could have had. The gaiety and celebration. And, it struck me to the core that she did not. I understood better the pain that Jotork felt upon learning that Jaden was a half-blood. When I disclosed my heritage, right after he told us the story of his sister, it must have been a doubly hard blow. My mother gifted me with a love for music and I have squandered that gift all too often. In my fear of the Blackcloaks and my hurry to get away from painful memories in Ardania, I have neglected to lift the spirits of those around me at times. Such should not be the case. I can play for selfish reasons to satisfy my heart. But, there is no reason why I should not share that with others. Friend and stranger alike. It is my strongest gift and I should use it to spread good. And I will. With newfound resolution, I played my music for those on the beach. I played for my mother. I played for the lovely Elf maid that represented everything that is happy and good.

And even as I played, I could feel a warmth overtaking me. As veils had been torn asunder, I could drink in the light that had been let in. I think the muse found me that night as my playing was good. And, unbidden thoughts came to mind. Sitting there, eyes half-lidded, I could see a flame dancing along a log. Flickering to and fro. A pure elemental creature, or so it seemed. Dangerous and beautiful. Responsible for the fire within me. More thoughts fell into place and I understood even better. A secret smile tugged at my lips as I played for the flame. Calling it to me. But, as Blackhawk seated himself next to me, I recalled that I was sitting apart from the celebration. Playing for the enjoyment of others. None had chosen me on this night. But, why should they? I had just discovered the flaws within myself that keep others at bay. Surely, others have looked to my heart and understood that earlier. So, it was appropriate that I was not partaking of the celebration. Anyway, Blackhawk wanted to speak with me.

It would seem that Cousin Blackhawk has been having his own internal turmoil. He is searching for a spiritual anchor and has been hoping that it would be Raven. Yet, he finds her to be unwilling and distrusts her seperation and need for privacy. My observation is that the two of them have a different spirituality and he needs to make his own way. I feel that he holds that within himself. I admonished him for his distrust. His worries may have merit, we may cross a line that Raven is unwilling to cross. Yet, that is not a concern for me. Any of us may reach that point. And if we do, we shall address it at that time. Around that time, Raven rejoined the celebration on the beach. She admonished the two of us for being gloomy on Beltane. I countered that we were clearing our minds for happier thoughts. I encouraged Blackhawk to find a lass to enjoy company with and made an excuse to play another song. I did successfully get Jotork's attention, but he wouldn't really dance at the time. Though he did later share with us some Fianna poetry. Strangely moving.

Keenly aware that Raven was watching Blackhawk with some joy, I continued playing. She was also drumming and would also join in with the singing. I was beginning to get back into my reverie when Raven asked me to join her for dance. It took me a few moments before it occured to me that I hadn't answered. I put my pipes down before standing and stretching. I must have been sitting in almost exactly the same position for most of the night. Finally, I bowed deep to her and accepted.

Oh, the joy! It was actually glorious to be out and dancing again. I am glad that Raven showed me some of the steps earlier. I was able to keep up with her and keep in time with the beat. Even as I danced, I could feel an upwelling inside. I found myself babbling about my thoughts to Raven. I quickly realized that she was not privy to the contents of my mind and that none of what I was saying made any sense. I also realized that it was not the time or place for such revelations. Before I could spoil the mood of the evening, I caught myself. I paused to thank her, even then I could not help my natural cockiness and challenged her to keep up with me for as long as she could. For the first time, I fully appreciated her speed and grace. She caught me easily.

As we danced, I couldn't help but to feel somehow old. Watching everyone dancing and enjoying the night, I could feel layers of cynicism sloughing off. How is it that I have managed to distance myself from those that would be my friends? At this rate, I may soon become a bitter old man. Ever eccentric and alone. Not the fate I would choose. So, I swore that I would begin the change within myself. I would allow myself to know true friendship and happiness. And, perhaps love as well. While this was going on, the formations of true inspiration were flowing into my heart. I finally understood more of the meaning of this celebration. Raven's words came back to me, hauntingly real. A great calmness overtook me as I began to plot out my performance for the evening. I could see it all clearly in my mind. The dancing, the ceremony of welcome, the release. I knew I would pay homage to the Lord and Lady themselves. Perhaps it was part of their gift that I had already found so much understanding inside myself.

Finally, Raven explained that she had another dance partner for the evening. I thanked her for her kind words and her dancing. I also explained that I too had another partner for the evening. I am sure that, at the time, she did not imagine what I meant. Personally, I was hoping that I would not offend the gods. Fortunately, that did not turn out to be the case. Raven choose her partner, DeVal and moved back into the dance while I faded back into the shadows to prepare for my performance.

Though this sounds like I was quiet and gloomy the entire evening, I was actually joyous. After all, I had identified many of the things that were bothering me. And knowing the problem is the first step toward correcting it. Now, I wanted to share the fullness of my gifts with those on the beach. And though I have never improvised music and magic together, I have rehearsed such things. The essentials are there. With concentration, I would be able to pull it off. But, I knew it would be tiring and the rest would be welcome.

Toward dawn, Raven stopped her dancing to complete her ceremony and I felt the time had drawn near. It was unfortunate that she would not accompany me with her drum. The rhythm would have helped me maintain concentration. But if there were things she needed to complete, I was not going to intrude. I borrowed a fiddle and slowly prepared myself. Silently, I acknowledged my chosen ladies. My mother, the Elf maid, the Muse. I also decided to acknowledge the Lady. I would play for all of them and . . . another this night. I strode to the edge of the firelight and slowly sought out my friends. One by one, I met them with my eyes and smiled privately to them. Finally, I felt that I had struck up the appropriate dramatic flair and began to play.

I quickly lost myself in the music. It was a struggle to maintain the proper balance. To properly accomplish my goal, I would need to give myself fully to the music, but maintain the presence of mind to weave the magic in. So, I started small. I gave the dancers a lively reel. Then, slowly, I introduced an element of magic to allow them to weave a knot pattern into existence. It came off well. Initially, some were hesitant, but they quickly accepted it as harmless. Even as I danced and played, I could feel more inspiration welling up into me. As I played faster, the dancers tried to match their steps to the beat. Eventually, something had to give. They did before I. They collapsed in a knot of their own on the beach. Laughing and giggling while I changed tunes.

Eventually, they all bounded together and started slowly dancing again. The tune was odd and I could tell that they weren't entirely sure what steps to use. I was intentionally encouraging them to dance in their own manner. Finally, I deemed the time right. Just as I started to weave in the magic I sought, I felt a shiver run through me. In retrospect, I am not sure it wasn't a greater power letting me know I should play. But, at the time, I thought I had really hit the perfect mix of concentration and inspiration. I brought a glamour into existance to match Raven's description of the Lady. Well, maybe not exactly. I chose a form that I found appealing. Then I changed the glamour. Out of the fire, I had the Lord appear. At this point, I was so lost in the moment that I was not really aware of what I was creating. But the form that appeared took me by surprise. Still, I kept playing. I brought the image into a scene of the Lord and Lady chasing each other. Dancing between the revelers and avoidng their advances. This was a difficult thing. Finally, the image collapsed together with the Lord and Lady consumating the night. Even as the sun rose and I collapsed, the beach sprouted with the Uli flowers.

I was elated! I had pulled it off. I also felt that I had some real understanding of Beltane. Unsure of what the flowers meant, I staggered off to drink some water. Lia was quite excited. She recognized them as Uli flowers. Raven looked somewhat flush and Jotork was actually relaxing. However, I was not quite finished. Now, I needed to greet the morning and dismiss my problems. I paid my reverance to the Lord and Lady and thanked them for not taking offense to my audacity, then I too plucked the bud of the Uli and meandered off to the far side of the beach to play for a bit on my pipes. Somehow, it seemed obscene to speak at the time. In fact, I could not bring myself to utter a word until after the sun had set again.

I am not entirely sure what all this means. The Uli is rare. Incredibly rare. Yet, the whole beach sprouted up with them. All of our scars are healed. Raven tells me that the Lord and Lady truly were with us. I cannot doubt her and I stand in awe of her for being able to call such beings to join us. She says that I walk the Spirit Path. For myself, I am honored that such beings would listen to my music and I feel subdued that I performed for them in such a manner. Apparently they did not take offense. I'm not sure Raven understood my self deprecating humor when I said so. The Company has been touched by Divine Powers. The Lammasu and now the Lady and Lord. But, what this portends is currently beyond my ability to answer. With time, answers may come. Until then, I strive to walk the path that Raven speaks of. I will open my heart and quit pushing my friends away. In the future, I may even come to know love as Jaden does.

In my mind's eye, I can see the circle that Raven laid out. I think it was the wheel of life.

I wonder where I stand on that wheel and how fast it spins and when it shall stop for me